🦆 CHILL THE DUCK OUT

Volume 027: When your body vetoes your vacation plans.

💭Cold Open

Last week I wrote about the anticipation of getting away and how just planning our New Bern weekend was already making me feel lighter. Well, Thursday I started feeling "a little off", which is what optimists call "actively dying" before we're ready to admit defeat. Surely it was just a cold. Nothing a little rest and some strategic pharmaceutical intervention couldn't handle before our Friday departure. I had been looking forward to this getaway for weeks.

Friday morning found me curled up in what I can only describe as a "tactical fetal position" on the couch. I was mentally mapping out our entire weekend while my body staged what can only be described as a hostile takeover. In my delusional mind, I could still taste those fried green tomatoes, feel the river breeze, see my wife's face as we strolled through our favorite stops. My optimistic brain was doing what optimistic brains do best: completely ignoring reality like a toddler who thinks closing their eyes makes them invisible.

I had it all figured out. A strategic dose of the legendary "Carolina Crud Crusher" (yes, that's a real medicine created by and sold at a local pharmacy, and yes, I was betting my entire weekend on their marketing copywriter's creativity). I'd sleep in the car while my wife drove. I'd rally by dinner time. Mind over matter, baby! I was basically a medical miracle waiting to happen.

But then I tried to sit up.

Have you ever had one of those moments where your body just looks at your brain and says, "Cute plan, idiot"? My attempt to transition from horizontal to vertical lasted approximately three seconds before gravity and reality teamed up to fold me back into my couch cocoon like a defective lawn chair.

That's when I knew. That's when the optimism died. That's when I did something that surprised even me: I told my wife she should take her mom instead.

You could see the internal battle play out on her face in real-time… excitement about still getting to go, guilt about leaving her dying husband behind (I wasn't actually dying, but I tend to exaggerate when I don’t feel good), and probably relief that she wouldn't have to spend 48 hours listening to me heroically pretend I felt fine while clearly looking like an extra from The Walking Dead. Her mom lives 11 hours away, they don't see each other nearly enough, and my wife had been working herself into the ground lately. She deserved this getaway more than anyone, especially more than the guy who couldn't sit up without assistance.

So off they went to our special place while I stayed home with my tissues, my wounded pride, and a surprisingly zen acceptance of the whole situation.

Turns out, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is admit you're a mess and get out of your own way. And sometimes the hardest decisions lead to the most unexpected gifts, like not ruining your wife's weekend with your snot-nosed martyrdom.

🧠 The Science Bit

Let's dig into some sciencey stuff that'll make you feel better about every time you've bailed on plans because your body decided to unionize against you.

According to research from Stanford, Yale, and a bunch of other universities where people get paid to study why humans are terrible at being rational, people who make what psychologists call "strategic sacrifices" – also known as choosing short-term disappointment for long-term benefit – show higher levels of life satisfaction and better emotional regulation than those who always try to optimize every experience. Basically, the people who know when to tap out are happier than the people who think they're invincible. Science: 1, Your Ego: 0.

Fancy pants researchers call this "temporal discounting." It's about valuing future benefits versus immediate gratification. Dr. Walter Mischel's famous marshmallow studies show that people who can delay gratification don't just get better outcomes; they actually become happier over time because their brains get better at seeing the bigger picture. Turns out your brain is like wine and gets better at making good decisions if you give it time and don't rush things.

You've probably seen those viral videos where parents leave a treat in front of their kids and tell them not to eat it while they step away for a minute. Some kids stare at the treat like it personally insulted their family. Others develop elaborate distraction techniques that would impress a magician. And a few just give up immediately and go full Cookie Monster. But here's the beautiful part: when the parent comes back and the kid has successfully waited, that moment of pride and joy on their face is exactly what Mischel was measuring. The kids who could delay gratification didn't just get the treat. They got the satisfaction of self-control plus the treat, creating a double happiness hit that the immediate-gratification kids completely missed. It's like earning interest on your willpower.

Your brain on strategic sacrifice becomes a better decision-making machine.

When you choose the wise path over the want-to path, you're strengthening your prefrontal cortex, which is basically your brain's adult supervision department. Dr. Roy Baumeister's research on willpower shows that every time you make a decision that benefits your future self, you're building what psychologists call "emotional resilience reserves." Think of it like a savings account, except instead of money, you're depositing tiny moments of "I made a mature choice and didn't die from it."

Studies by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirski at UC Riverside found that people who regularly practice "strategic self-denial" (missing social events when sick, saying no to opportunities that don't align with their values, choosing rest over productivity) report higher baseline happiness levels than people who try to say yes to everything. Turns out being selective isn't being antisocial. It's being smart. Who knew?

The FOMO paradox is real, and it's working against you.

Fear of missing out tricks your brain into thinking that every experience you skip is a lost opportunity for happiness. But research from Dr. Barry Schwartz shows the opposite is true: people who miss out on things strategically (because of illness, prior commitments, or simple self-awareness) often experience something called "relief satisfaction." It's a form of contentment that comes from knowing you made the right choice, even when it stung. It's the adult equivalent of eating your vegetables and actually feeling good about it later.

Sometimes the gift is in the letting go.

Dr. Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion reveals that when we stop trying to control every outcome and focus on what's truly best for everyone (including letting other people have experiences without us), we activate the same neural pathways associated with generous behavior. Your brain literally rewards you for stepping back and letting others have their moment. It's like being the hero who doesn't need credit, except your brain gives you credit anyway in the form of warm fuzzy feelings.

The weird truth about missing New Bern was that I probably gave my wife and her mom something they couldn't have had if I'd powered through with my delusional "I'll be fine" act. And yeah, I still feel bad that we missed the trip together, but I feel a heck of a lot better than the version of me that was actively decomposing on the couch while pretending everything was fine. Sometimes the most generous thing you can do is admit you're not the main character in every story and that it’s actually okay.

🍟 This Week’s Happytizer

This week, I want you to practice the art of strategic sacrifice. Look at your calendar and find one thing, just one, that you could gracefully bow out of for the greater good. The goal isn't to be a hermit; it's to practice the skill of choosing wisdom over FOMO.

Pick one:

• Cancel plans when you're actually sick instead of powering through and making everyone else miserable

• Say no to an invitation you accepted out of guilt rather than genuine interest

• Let someone else take the lead on something you usually would control or micromanage

• Skip a commitment that would overextend you, even if it disappoints someone

• Choose boring necessity over exciting distraction (meal prep over happy hour, early bedtime over late-night adventure)

The key is paying attention to how it feels afterward. Notice the relief, the sense of alignment, the way your nervous system settles when you make choices that serve your actual wellbeing rather than your ego or FOMO.

🎉 Unsolicited Joy of the Week

When Mary-Rose missed her flight, she didn’t do what any reasonable person would do… panic, rebook, and brace for inconvenience. That unexpected delay in her perfectly scheduled life gave her time to actually think and she realized she'd been running on autopilot for way too long.

That missed flight became the catalyst for a complete life overhaul. Turns out, sometimes the universe doesn't make you miss things to mess with you. Sometimes it's just forcing you to stand still long enough to ask if you're even heading in the right direction.

✈️ Read Mary-Rose's full story at Yahoo News

💬 Tell me about a time missing out led to something better

When has saying no or staying home opened up an unexpected door for you or someone else?

📩 [email protected]

If this made you feel 1% more chill about making tough choices, share this with a friend... or I'll start showing up at your door with motivational posters about the importance of strategic self-denial and a PowerPoint about delayed gratification.

🫶 Duckin’ Done

That's Volume 027.

Here's to tough choices, unexpected gifts, and the beautiful art of getting out of your own way.

Until next time: breathe deep, trust your gut, and chill the duck out.

Jason

🔬 Behind the Curtain

Strategic sacrifice and delayed gratification research spans decades, from Walter Mischel's original Stanford Marshmallow Experiment to current neuroimaging studies. Roy Baumeister's work on willpower and self-control shows measurable improvements in life outcomes for people who practice strategic self-denial. Sonja Lyubomirski's happiness research at UC Riverside demonstrates that people who regularly choose long-term benefit over short-term pleasure report higher baseline well-being. Barry Schwartz's "paradox of choice" research reveals how strategic missing out reduces decision fatigue and increases satisfaction with chosen experiences.