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🦆 CHILL THE DUCK OUT

Volume 044: Five more minutes.

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🦆 Cold Open

Winter in North Carolina is a polite suggestion compared to Pennsylvania, where I grew up. Down here, one snowflake appears and the bread aisle looks like a scene from The Walking Dead. Schools close at the forecast of ice. The entire state panics over what Pennsylvania calls "Tuesday."

But this time of year always makes me nostalgic for snow days. The real kind. The ones where I'd trudge through knee-deep powder to Ricky's house and spend the entire day outside until our toes went numb and the porch lights came on.

And then, when my mom yelled that it was time to come in, the answer was always: Five more minutes.

We were willing to risk actual frostbite for five more minutes with our friends.

Five more minutes of whatever game we were playing, whatever fort we were building, whatever excuse we had to stay outside together.

Five more minutes mattered more than comfort. More than warmth. More than our parents' very reasonable concerns about hypothermia.

Now? As adults? We see the thermometer hit sub fifty degrees and suddenly we're hibernating. Which is really just code for "putting on a coat sounds like too much work, so I'm choosing Netflix over real human interaction."

It's too cold to grab dinner. Too dark to drive to someone's house. Too inconvenient to be spontaneous. So we stay in our temperature-controlled bubbles, scroll through social media, and wonder why we feel lonely.

We don't do five more minutes anymore.

We do: Let me check my calendar and see if I can squeeze in forty-five minutes three weeks from Tuesday.

We've replaced spontaneous connection with calendar Tetris. We don't just show up at each other's houses anymore. We don't play. We don't stay longer than planned because that would be "inefficient." We've turned friendship into networking and connection into appointments.

And then we wonder why we feel disconnected.

The moments that actually matter aren't the ones on your calendar. They're the ones where you stayed five more minutes. Where you showed up even though it was cold. Where you went to Ricky's house even though it would have been easier to stay home.

So this week, we're talking about why your brain needs you to go to Ricky's house, why spontaneous connection beats scheduled friendship, why play isn't just for kids, and how adult "efficiency" is killing real connection.

🧠 The Science Bit

Let's dig into why your brain is literally begging you to stop scheduling everything and just show up at someone's house, backed by research on connection, play, and why "five more minutes" matters more than you think.

Loneliness is a legitimate health crisis.

Studies in Perspectives on Psychological Science show that social isolation increases mortality risk by 29%, which is comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Your brain needs connection like it needs food and sleep. But not all connection is equal. Research distinguishes between weak social ties (acquaintances) and strong ties (close friendships). Texting doesn't cut it. Scheduled coffee dates help, but they're not enough. Your brain needs the depth that comes from spending time together.

Spontaneous social interaction beats scheduled interaction.

Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that unplanned hangouts with friends are rated as more enjoyable and meaningful than planned social events. When you spontaneously show up at someone's house, it signals that you prioritized being with them over convenience. Plus, spontaneous interactions don't build up expectations that reality can't meet. You're just showing up and seeing what happens.

Play is essential for adult mental health.

Dr. Stuart Brown's research at the National Institute for Play demonstrates that adults who regularly engage in play—unstructured, enjoyable activities done for their own sake—report lower stress, better problem-solving, and greater life satisfaction. Play is intrinsically motivated. You do it because it's fun, not because it's productive. Your brain needs time when nothing is optimized and you're just enjoying being alive.

Physical proximity matters more than digital connection.

Neuroscience research using fMRI scans shows that in-person interaction triggers oxytocin release (the bonding hormone) more effectively than video calls or texting. Studies on friendship maintenance show that geographic distance is one of the strongest predictors of friendship decline. When you stop showing up physically and replace visits with texts and occasional scheduled meetups, friendships naturally weaken.

The efficiency mindset undermines connection.

Research in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that people who view time with friends as "productive" or "efficient" report lower relationship quality than those who view it as intrinsically valuable. When you treat friendship like networking (scheduled, optimized, time-limited) you lose the magic of just being together. The "five more minutes" moments, the unplanned and inefficient time, are where real connection happens.

🍟 This Week’s Happytizer

This week, I want you to reclaim five more minutes. Not the efficient, optimized, adult version of connection. The real thing. The kind where you prioritize being with people over being comfortable.

Here's how:

1. Do something spontaneous with a friend this week.

Don't schedule it three weeks out. Just text someone and say "I'm coming over" or "want to grab dinner tonight?" or "meet me at [place] in an hour."

If the spontaneity feels weird or uncomfortable, that's the point. We've trained ourselves out of spontaneity. Train yourself back into it.

2. Stay five more minutes.

Next time you're with someone—at their house, at dinner, wherever—and it's "time to go," stay five more minutes. Not because there's more to say or do. Just because being together matters more than getting home on time.

Notice what happens in those five minutes. Often, that's when the real conversation happens. When someone finally says the thing they were holding back. When you stop performing and just exist together.

3. Show up in person instead of texting.

If you were going to text someone, drive to their house instead. If you were going to call, go see them. Physical presence matters in a way that digital connection doesn't.

Yes, it's less convenient. That's the point. Friendship isn't supposed to be convenient. It's supposed to matter enough that you're willing to be inconvenient.

4. Say yes to something even though it's cold/dark/inconvenient.

When someone invites you to do something and your first instinct is "it's too cold" or "it's too late" or "I don't feel like getting off the couch"… say yes anyway.

You're not actually too tired. You're too comfortable. And comfort is the enemy of connection.

5. Play something.

Do something with friends that has absolutely no productive value. Build something. Play a game. Have a snowball fight if it snows (or a water balloon fight if it doesn't). Do something purely because it's fun.

Your brain needs to remember what play feels like. It needs to remember that not everything has to be efficient or productive or optimized.

6. Cancel one thing on your calendar to be spontaneous.

Look at your schedule this week. Find one thing you scheduled because you "should" do it, not because you want to. Cancel it. Use that time to show up for someone or let someone show up for you.

You have more control over your schedule than you think. You're just scared to use it.

Permission slip for the week: You are allowed to prioritize connection over comfort, spontaneity over efficiency, and being with people over being productive. Five more minutes with someone who matters is worth more than whatever else you had planned.

Reflection questions:

• When was the last time you stayed five more minutes?

• What excuse do you use most often to avoid real connection?

• Who's your Ricky? And when was the last time you showed up at their house?

🎉 Unsolicited Joy of the Week

This week's joy is simple: sled riding fail videos on YouTube.

Because nothing captures the spirit of "five more minutes even though we're freezing and this is objectively a terrible idea" quite like watching people commit fully to sledding down a hill that clearly ends badly. The pure joy before the inevitable crash. The commitment to the bit. The laughter after they wipe out.

💬 Tell me about your five more minutes

When was the last time you chose connection over comfort? Who do you need to show up for this week?

📩 [email protected]

If this made you want to text someone and say "I'm coming over," do it... and then share this newsletter with them so they understand why you're suddenly showing up at their house.

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🫶 Duckin’ Done

That's Volume 044.

Here's to reclaiming five more minutes, showing up even when it's inconvenient, and remembering that the best moments are the ones where you stayed just a little bit longer.

Until next time: breathe deep, go to Ricky's house, and chill the duck out.

Jason

🔬 Behind the Curtain

Research in Perspectives on Psychological Science shows chronic loneliness increases mortality risk by 29%, comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes daily. Studies distinguish between weak and strong social ties, with strong ties providing greater wellbeing benefits. Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology demonstrates spontaneous social encounters are rated as more enjoyable than planned events. Dr. Stuart Brown's research shows adult play reduces stress and improves problem-solving. Neuroscience studies using fMRI demonstrate in-person interaction triggers oxytocin release more effectively than digital communication. Research in Social Psychological and Personality Science shows that viewing time with friends through an efficiency lens reduces relationship quality and emotional intimacy.